Plan Ten from Outer Space

Summer is upon us, and upper-middle-class, armchair Democrats--who are to national politics as Boston Red Sox fans are to American League baseball--are now experiencing their traditional every-fourth-summer malaise. They've got their favored presidential candidate. He's currently in first place. On paper, it looks as though the pennant and World Series are his to lose. So naturally, your better sorts of Blue America people are beginning to talk aloud about exactly how John Kerry's gonna blow it in the end.

For evidence of this predictable development, THE SCRAPBOOK refers its readers to an interesting disjunction between the online and print editions of last Thursday's New York Times.

In the print edition, one could find a story headlined "Democrats Ask If Careful Path Is Best for Kerry"--correspondent Adam Nagourney's excellent field report from inside the Demo-Bobo zeitgeist. President Bush is flat on his back, see; there are "three new polls" suggesting he's "more embattled than he has ever been." Which means Kerry ought now to be attacking Bush with all he's got, right? Why isn't Kerry doing it? What's the matter with him? Or wait, maybe that's wrong. Maybe "such a strategy entails risks of its own," and maybe Kerry just ought to start running out the clock. Only maybe then, everybody would start complaining that the Democrats were advancing "an anyone-but-Bush candidacy." Oh, dear: What to do?

As we say, it was an excellent story, and we liked it very much.

But we liked even better the online version, because there was more of it. Specifically, the otherwise identical print version of Nagourney's report mysteriously didn't contain the web edition's two-sentence description of a recent "phenomenon" in which Sen. Kerry "has arrived at big-dollar fundraising dinners to find empty chairs." It seems that "in their eagerness to defeat Mr. Bush, donors have written large checks to purchase a seat, but have not bothered to turn up to hear Mr. Kerry speak." This, presumably, because Kerry's . . . well, you know, an eyeglazing stiff.

Both versions of Adam Nagourney's story, incidentally, did contain the following, magical quote from Sen. Kerry himself:

I think it's important to show [voters] you have a plan. If you don't have a plan, I don't think people are going to have much confidence in you. But I have a plan. I have a specific plan about manufacturing jobs, a specific plan about how we're going to fight for a fair playing field, a specific plan about science, technology investment. A specific plan about health care. I think you have to run an affirmative campaign, and I think you have to--I have to--show America that I have a plan for the country. And I do have a plan.

By THE SCRAPBOOK's count, that's nine "plans" in all.

Plan number ten: continued, ill-disguised support from the "news" editors of the New York Times.

The O'Fascist Factor

Okay, there's no real Air America news to speak of this week. But there is a truly fabulous New York Times wedding announcement from Sunday, May 23. Which mentions Air America in passing--as the evidently hard-luck groom's current though questionably dependable source of income. THE SCRAPBOOK extends its mostly sincere congratulations to Billy Kimball, 44, executive producer of Air America's The O'Franken Factor, and Alexandra Manuela Vargas Hamilton, vice president for public relations and communications at Oscar de la Renta in New York.

The groom's father is a cartoonist for the New Yorker, the Times reports. And "the bride is a great-granddaughter of Getulio Vargas, who was the president and dictator of Brazil from 1930 to 1945, and was again president from 1950 to 1954."

Betcha Billy Kimball's great-grandfather-in-law never had to worry about his radio programs getting cancelled, huh?

Iced Earth Rules, Dude!

What's that you say? Who is THE SCRAPBOOK's favorite heavy metal rock musician? We thought you'd never ask.

THE SCRAPBOOK's favorite heavy metal rock musician is Jon Schaffer, leader of Iced Earth, a Florida band whose latest album we have not heard--any more than we've heard the ones that came before it. But that's neither here nor there. What matters, instead, is that a heavy metal fan magazine called Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles has become embroiled in a self-described "controversy" over its recently published interview with Schaffer. Did this published version, condensed by the editors for reasons of space, constitute a "distortion of Schaffer's views"? To answer the charge--and to "uphold the journalistic credibility of Brave Words & Bloody Knuckles"--those editors have now posted a complete, unexpurgated transcript of the Schaffer Q&A on their website. Readers are invited to "decide for yourself."

Our decision: Who cares? The interview's a classic. Add Iced Earth and Jon Schaffer to the Coalition of the Willing. For instance:

BW&BK: You mentioned that you're a proud American and you're proud of what the founding fathers achieved and the values they embraced. Do you think America still stands up for what the founding fathers proposed? SCHAFFER: Yeah, I do. Does that mean we have not made mistakes? No, we have made mistakes. We're human beings and we will make mistakes. But . . . I will stand rock solid by the fact that I know this country has done a hundred times more good for other countries around the world than anybody else ever has. And that's just a fact. The facts speak for themselves. . . . BW&BK: This next question is controversial so I'm letting you know before we proceed. Some political analysts have articulated the view that what happened on September 11 was justified due to America's presence in the Middle East, specifically Saudi Arabia. Some political analysts view it as retaliation for what the U.S. has done in the Middle East in the past. As a Canadian, I'm interested in hearing what you have to say about this view that's been put forth by analysts. SCHAFFER: No, it wasn't justified. Not at all. And anybody who says so needs to have their f--n' head examined. BW&BK: Do you think 9/11 will be viewed as the first event in the U.S. empire's decline and fall? SCHAFFER: No. This is not an empire, first of all. If the United States was an empire, your country would be our 51st state. . . . BW&BK: So you don't see the Bush regime as being cultural imperialists? You don't see them as trying to force the American way of life on to a nation that maybe doesn't want it? SCHAFFER: No. If you think that's true, then why are 70 or 80 percent of the people thrilled to have us there? Have you seen that? And it's not a "regime," by the way. You keep up that kind of language, I'm going to end the interview right now. BW&BK: Okay. I understand. SCHAFFER: I'm serious.

Then there's the part where Schaffer responds incredulously to a question about--believe it or not--Noam Chomsky: "Talk about one of the f--n' ultra-leftist spin-doctors of the world, Noam Chomsky? You buy into that crap?"

If there's a second Bush administration and the position comes open, THE SCRAPBOOK figures Jon Schaffer would make an excellent ambassador to France.

Oops

THE SCRAPBOOK extends its congratulations--and apologies--to retired Sen. Howard Metzenbaum of Ohio, who is still very much alive, notwithstanding an en passant suggestion to the contrary in these pages last week.