Rove's Secret Weapon: Stupid People

Disappointed Democrats have had two weeks to argue about what went wrong for John Kerry on November 2. And they've had any number of plausible theories to choose from: Too many religious conservatives came out for President Bush; too few young people came out for Kerry; and so on. But none among the most commonly circulating postmortems has yet won an enthusiastic Democratic embrace.

Except, that is, for this one: George W. Bush won reelection because . . . well, because there are just too many damn dumb people in this country, that's why. Consider the growing mountain of evidence to that effect:

You've got your pseudo-social-science, "nonpartisan" academic research: Investigators at the University of Maryland, for instance, in an October 21 report entitled "The Separate Realities of Bush and Kerry Supporters," conclude that Americans who persist in thinking well of their president are able to do so only because they "suppress awareness of unsettling information" and instead "cling so tightly to beliefs" that have otherwise been "visibly refuted" by the media and rejected by "the majority of people in the world."

Then you've got your totally bogus, Internet info-hoax: Lately rocketing around the web--and landing to a warm embrace at even the most respectable of lefty blogs--has been a chart labeled "Correlation of 2004 Presidential Voting Patterns with Average IQ by State." Falsely attributing its fabricated data to a recent book on IQ and international economic development, said chart purports to demonstrate that the 16 "smartest" states in the Union all gave plurality victories to Kerry, while the 26 most cognitively disadvantaged jurisdictions all went hard for Bush. How cognitively disadvantaged are we talking, here? According to this document's anonymous author, the president's best state, Utah, has an average IQ of 87. For purposes of comparison: Koko the famous "talking" gorilla is supposed to have an IQ of 90.

There's plenty of anecdotal evidence, too, like that offered by novelist Jane Smiley in a recent Slate essay about how "progressives have consistently . . . underestimate[d] the vitality of ignorance in America." Your "red state types" simply "prefer to be ignorant," Smiley reports. And she knows whereof she speaks, because "I grew up in Missouri and most of my family voted for Bush."

Finally, there's House minority leader Nancy Pelosi, who in two separate interviews has now made it more or less official: The Democratic party believes George W. Bush is president because most Americans are mouth-breathing hillbillies. "For the past couple of years," Pelosi told CNN's Bill Hemmer on November 5, "the Republicans have controlled the White House, the Senate, and the House of Representatives," and everything's gone to hell in a handbasket. "But they were not held accountable for it because the public didn't know that they controlled all elements of government."

From now on, things will be different, though, Pelosi advised CNN's Lou Dobbs three days later. "The public now know that, again, the Republicans control the White House, the House, and the Senate, so they are responsible. They can no longer blame it on someone else as they have done for the past four years."

But "they were in control before," a puzzled Dobbs pointed out. "I know," replied Ms. Pelosi. "But the public was not fully aware of that."

Loving Hands at Home

According to the Maroon, the University of Chicago's student newspaper, "Tears of laughter rolled down audience members' cheeks as National Public Radio superstar Garrison Keillor related humorous stories on childhood and provided insights on the election results" during a Nov. 3 campus speech.

Which seems a bit weird--the "tears of laughter" part, that is--since the Maroon report then goes on to recount Keillor's election-related insights and parenting tales in considerable detail. And "funny" is not the first word that comes to mind.

Judge for yourself. Here's Mr. NPR Superstar on the presidential election results: "I'm trying to organize support for a constitutional amendment to deny voting rights to born-again Christians," the Maroon quotes Keillor announcing. "I feel if your citizenship is in Heaven--like a born-again Christian's is--you should give up your citizenship. Sorry, but this is my new cause. If born-again Christians are allowed to vote in this country, then why not Canadians?"

Here's Keillor on how he once fed his 18-month-old daughter some calamari with pesto sauce: "She swallowed it, smiled, then got an odd look on her face and bent forward," he remembered. So "I caught this entire green flood, put it in a bowl, and pushed it aside for the waiter to take away."

And here's Garrison Keillor on the time he was changing this same daughter's diaper and, midway through, "realized she wasn't quite done yet." Out of "pure reflex and also because of the newly waxed kitchen floor, I skidded across the floor and caught both of them with my two hands."

Maybe you had to be there.

Police Blotter

Remember, back on Election Day, how somebody slashed the tires on 20 vans and cars rented by Republicans to get out the vote in Milwaukee? The story was all over the national news--for about 12 hours. And then it pretty much disappeared. Outside of Wisconsin itself, no major daily has since published a single word's worth of update on the resulting police investigation. This, even though--we'll call it a SCRAPBOOK exclusive, with apologies and thanks to the Milwaukee Journal- Sentinel--at least three arrests have now been made in the case. And two of the arrestees have been publicly identified.

On Nov. 5, accompanied by his attorney, 25-year-old Sowande Ajumoke Omokunde was booked at Milwaukee police headquarters. Omokunde--who apparently prefers to be called "Supreme Solar Allah"--lives with his mother, Gwen Moore, who's just been elected to Congress as a Democrat.

Also arrested: 33-year-old Opel E. Simmons, an official in the Virginia state Democratic party who'd been dispatched to Milwaukee to oversee Election Day canvassing on the city's north side. Police tell local reporters that a Kerry campaign automobile assigned to Simmons is "linked to the incident."

Still wanted for questioning: Michael Pratt, son of former acting Milwaukee mayor Marvin Pratt, Kerry's campaign chairman in the city.

The New, New, New Al Gore

Republicans say that the Social Security system can only be rescued--and its traditional promises fulfilled--if future beneficiaries are allowed to designate at least a portion of their current payroll contributions to private-sector investments of their choosing. But Democrats say that's a horrible idea. Private-sector investments being what they are, after all, some unknown but unacceptable number of Americans are bound to lose part of their nest eggs as a consequence.

Especially if--though we don't necessarily expect to hear this particular argument issuing forth from the DNC--the unwitting investors in question somehow decide to turn their money over to Albert Gore Jr.

It seems that former Vice President Gore, the whole left-wing soapbox ranter gig having come a cropper, has decided to change the color of his parachute. Again. This time he's going to be an investment banker.

Specifically, Gore will become chairman of Generation Investment Management, which plans to create "environment-friendly portfolios" for institutional investors and "high-net-worth individuals." According to the Associated Press: "Gore said the new company will carefully screen potential companies to invest in, choosing only those that meet specific standards on how they treat their employees and the environment." Oh, yeah: "Growth prospects will also be considered, he said."

Consider this, for example: "You can't properly value automobile stocks," Gore tells the Financial Times, "without considering long-term issues such as carbon intensity."