The election of Barack Obama to the presidency of the United States of America makes all things possible. Really, it does. Not only have the seas stopped rising, but the laws of the space-time continuum have been indefinitely suspended. And so, through the miracle of time travel, THE WEEKLY STANDARD recently obtained Vice President-elect Joseph Biden's future memoirs, entitled simply Biden: The Book . Herewith, some excerpts.

CHAPTER CLXVI: ON THE TRAIL

.  .  . and I said, "Bless your heart, Joy, your eyes look great too, I think we had the same surgeon. No, really, you look 20, no 30, and I really mean this, 30 years younger--which reminds me, just as an aside, when I was 20 I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to play linebacker for the Blue Hens. That was the name of my college ball team, the University of Delaware--that's in Delaware, by the way, where I live--the University of Delaware Blue Hens. Anyway, I wasn't sure if I was going to play linebacker. You see folks, my girlfriend at the time, whose name I forget but I do remember she was just fantastic looking--and I'm serious about this, she was just fantastic, I'm talking great body here, sweet face, the whole enchilada, as we say in Scranton, where I'm from, Scranton--that's in Pennsylvania--anyway, folks, she went to school out of state and I wanted to spend a lot of time visiting her. And this was before cell phones and during a period when communicating in a long-term relationship could really be difficult. It could really be difficult, and I mean that. I am serious about that, difficult, and it wasn't like I was Franklin Roosevelt when the stock market crashed and could go on television and calm things down. Which is what he did. He calmed things down. Let me say that again: Calm. No, when I was an undergrad and was dating this absolute babe--can I say that on network TV? When I was an undergrad, well, and this was a long time ago, Elisabeth, this was before your time. You probably don't even remember. Eisenhower was in his third term and Secretary of State Ernest Borgnine had just authorized the Bay of Pigs invasion, so it was nothing like things are today, when you can--what's that? The show's almost over? Oh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I am absolutely sorry to hear that. It's been great talking to you guys. It really has--and I mean that. I am serious about that. It's been great. Whoopi: You look beautiful. I'm serious, darlin', just beautiful. Fantastic. And Barbara, thank you for not making me cry, as we discussed before the show. It could really screw things up--but you know what I'm talking about! You know what I'm saying! What a gal--No, I am sorry .  .  . you are a woman. You are a woman. Bless your heart. You know, actually, this reminds me of the other day when I was in Home Depot, where I spend a lot of time--"

Unfortunately I couldn't finish my story because they turned the camera off and the studio audience threatened to sue if they weren't let out. It's a great story, though, just absolutely great. And I mean that. It's such a good story. It's so good I really couldn't leave it out of the book, so you can find it in appendix number 10, chapter 3, section 5, lines 15 through 84. You won't want to miss it. Trust me on that. Anyway--and you should really look up that story--those were some of my favorite campaign moments.

CHAPTER CCLXVI: ELECTION NIGHT

.  .  . but Michelle said she wanted to watch the returns on MSNBC so that's what we did. We didn't have to watch too long, though, before the nets called the election. The room burst into applause. We were all smiles. The girls were adorable. Just precious. Absolutely precious. We had to get ready for the trip to Grant Park but I wanted to share this moment with Barack. We had a big job to do together, and it was important for me to let him know that I would be with him every step of the way.

Barack had moved to the window and was looking out at the Chicago skyline. From what I could tell he seemed happy but also serious and reflective. That was Barack--always so serious. During the campaign that summer I would sometimes ask him, "Why so serious?" which was a line from a movie I really enjoyed that year, The Dark Knight, about Spiderman and his fight against Lex Luthor. Great movie--you should check it out. Anyway, Barack was standing pensively by the window and I could tell he was caught up in the moment.

I went to him. I said, "Baraka: You just won the election. You are going to be the first African-American president, who is clean, articulate. I want to be the first to congratulate you. And I want to be the first to ask you: How does it feel?"

"Well, Joe, to be honest, I'm not sure--"

"Let me stop you right there, Bam Bam," I said. "You just won the election. Let me say that again: You just won. The election. And the country's in bad shape. It's in terrible shape. And we've got to do something about it, buddy. We have absolutely got to do something about it. This is not going to be easy. It's not going to be like when we went to NATO and helped drive Hezbollah out of Lebanon in 2005. Not at all. This is the biggest crisis since Ronald Reagan got on the Internet and told the nation that he was firing the cafeteria workers. That was in 1977. This is 2008."

"Joe, um, that's what I'm trying to--"

"Barbarella--bless your heart, but you're not gettin' me, man. This is 2008. 2008. And that reminds me. One night I was taking the train home--I take the train home every day, you know, and I mean that, the Amtrak train, God love it--and sat next to George Hamilton. What a fantastic guy. Just an absolutely fantastic guy. And by the way, Barry--the tan is real. I'm serious about that. George Hamilton's tan is real. Anyway, we got to talking about constitutional law, which I teach at the University of Delaware, which is a long way from Scranton, Pennsylvania, which is where I'm from. And I said, 'George, you just don't get it. Just because you don't see a right to privacy in the Constitution doesn't mean that it isn't there. It is there, George. Because I'm going to let you in on a little secret: It's written in invisible ink. Yes, I am serious, George. That is not a joke. Might I remind you that I have a law degree. A law degree,' is what I said. Can you believe that, Barista? George Hamilton didn't realize the Founding Fathers wrote in invisible ink. Unbelievable. I'm serious about that. Unbelievable. Anyway, there I am on the train home, on the way to meet some credit card executives for dinner, and I was thirsty so I went to the café car for some orange juice. Let me say that again: Orange juice. It's very refreshing. And wouldn't you know it, who's there in the café car but .  .  ."

Matthew Continetti is associate editor at THE WEEKLY STANDARD.