While the country looks forward to being united, not divided, by the Reformer with Results, THE SCRAPBOOK has to resolve some unpleasant housekeeping matters. According to our records, several celebrities vowed to vacate the country if George W. Bush was elected. We feel we must hold them to their promise.
The temptation of course will be to repair to some place tropical, to which we say: Resist. Most equatorial paradises rely on American tourism dollars. To properly nurse one's anti-American animus, one must move to France. There are disadvantages, of course, to living in France (the French live there, for one). But where else can one enjoy licorice-flavored cocktails, infrequent bathing, and Mickey Rourke movies that haven't gone straight to video?
It's settled, then. Off to France with the following:
* Robert Altman. The crotchety director has already selected France as his destination if Bush won, to which we say, a la prochaine, Robert. Altman's movies of late have become downright silly. (Anyone catch Pret-a-Porter? Didn't think so.) In addition to being silly, did we mention pretentious, formless, and badly in need of editing? All of these mean he'll do in France what he's never done in America: good box office.
* Alec Baldwin. In the pantheon of the Baldwin brothers, Alec used to be known as the Talented Baldwin. But after a string of mediocre movies and a lack of quality time with the StairMaster, he is now simply Tubby Baldwin. Earlier this year, Baldwin's wife, Kim Basinger, told Focus magazine that Alec would become an expatriate if Bush became president. Alec said the claim was hogwash (and perhaps not coincidentally, the Star tabloid now has the two on the verge of divorce). Helpful suggestion for Alec: Leave your hot wife here and go to France, where you'll have four years to find a decent script and work off some of that water retention.
* Eddie Vedder. The grimacing Pearl Jam singer, who promised USA Today he'd leave the country if "little Damien II gets elected," will especially enjoy France's no-bathing culture. As they say on the Riviera, Eddie: "Don't let the door smack your cul on the way out."
* Barbra Streisand. Strictly speaking, Streisand didn't promise to leave this time. She did, however, vow to leave in 1992 if "George Bush" won the election, and we don't want to disqualify her on a hyper-technicality. We trust Ms. Streisand's offer is still good.
To assist our celebrity friends, we've researched flight information. If you fly Swissair out of JFK airport on the first of the year, you can get dinner and a snack in business class for the reasonable one-way fare of $ 2,992.24.
Of course, you're always welcome to come back and fight, but for now, it's time to do what the French do best: surrender.