Marriage, of course -- from Romeo and Juliet, Henry VIII and the Duke of Windsor to Dennis Rodman and Adam Sandler in "The Wedding Singer" -- is a frequent source of trauma, and wedding anxiety is a nondiscriminatory phenomenon that crosses religious and sexual lines. But for gay men and women, the quintessential rite of heterosexual life presents a unique set of anxieties. . . .
"For gay people, weddings are always a reminder of being outsiders," said Charles Silverstein, an Upper West Side psychologist and the author of several books about homosexuality. "Even when people are welcoming, as they usually are these days, weddings can be extremely alienating experiences. They raise all sorts of ambivalence and take on a meaning far greater than any party ever should." . . .
In modern society, in fact, from Oscar Wilde to Isaac Mizrahi, gay people have often developed senses of humor as defense mechanisms, making them particularly entertaining as hosts and guests. They are often called upon at weddings to serve as toastmasters, or to offer last-minute style tips about the bride's bouquet or the bridegroom's mother's shade of lipstick. "It always seems to be our job to loosen things up and provide a spark," said Ted Kruckel, a press agent, who also believes that gay men buy the best presents. . . . "And of course, we're needed. I often find myself being asked to make a toast that will be a nice tonic to the tedium of the proceedings." . . .
Ultimately, for all their resentment and paranoia (not always justified), many gay people know that weddings are a trial that everyone must bear, gay and straight. . . .
By BOB MORRIS