Finally, a Profit Center in the War on Terror
We were fascinated to learn last week, thanks to the excellent "Division of Labour" blog ( divisionoflabour.com), what the Transportation Security Administration does with all those Swiss Army knives and nail clippers it collects from careless airline passengers who forget to stow the sharp objects in their checked luggage. Same thing The Scrapbook would do if it had several tons of scissors: Sell them on eBay. (More specifically, TSA gives the booty to the states; the items shown on this page, for instance, were being liquidated by Pennsylvania's surplus property division.)
Pictured here are just a few of the dozens of such auctions that were nearing completion on eBay last Friday, May 6. (And no, we don't want to dwell for too long on the ins and outs of the market for used nail clippers, either, although we can tell you that it seems to range from $1.50 to $2.00 per pound.)
We're always gratified to see a glint of entrepreneurial spirit in the depths of the bureaucracy, but our heart on this issue is still with former Nebraska senator Bob Kerrey, who once told the New York Sun: "They take away our knives, they take away sharp objects. They probably should issue knives to everybody. [That would increase] our chance that we're going to be able to put down somebody who tries to take a plane with a box cutter."
The J-Lo Administration?
In late-breaking celebrity news, the German magazine Bravo reports that publicity parasite Jennifer Lopez, aka J-Lo (or J-Ho to her former husbands), has decided she's ready to take her career to the next level. "I'm a total powerhouse," said the demure Jenny, who hails from The Block. "If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president--that would be really cool."
The Scrapbook couldn't agree more. We think Lopez already possesses several of the characteristics that best equip one to be president. She is tough-minded (when asked recently what she thought of anti-fur protesters, she said, "I don't"). She is intellectually engaged (when asked what she got on her SAT, she said "nail polish"). And she is optimistic even in the face of impending disaster, as in her prediction that her third marriage--to Latin crooner/Ben-Affleck rebound Marc Anthony--will be the one to last.
How would she govern? "The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House," she said. "It doesn't look very cozy." While not specifying how she'd go about this, we have an idea, based on her dressing-room demands, as spelled out in a contract obtained by thesmokinggun.com.
The good news is, her taste already matches the outdoor paint job. For her performances, she stipulates that she must have a white room, white lilies, white roses, white tables/tablecloths, white drapes, white candles, and white couches. This in addition to her VCR, her three different flavors of Snapple, her four different brands of candles, her 11 different varieties of fruits and desserts, and lots more. Not very J-Lo-maintenance, if you ask us, but then what president ever is?
Alexis de Clinton
And now a trip down Scrapbook Memory Lane. As faithful readers recall, it has long been the ambition of this page to rid the world of the scourge of fake Tocqueville. Nearly 10 years ago in this magazine, Claremont McKenna professor John J. Pitney Jr. called attention to the most overused bogus quote in American politics: the platitude, falsely attributed to Alexis de Tocqueville, that "America is great because America is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great." If we may recycle our past discourse on the subject, "The list of politicos who have deployed the quote is long and bipartisan, but the abuse of Fake Tocqueville reached its peak during the administration of Bill Clinton, whose use of it was, like so much else in his life, promiscuous."
Retirement, alas, has proved no remedy. According to a Lancasteronline.com account of his address to the Lancaster, Pa., Chamber of Commerce, the former president is also a recycler: "Quoting French statesman Alexis de Tocqueville, Clinton said, 'America is great because she is good.'"